time for another letter

She ran out of checks recently, and left a couple of urgent messages telling me to send her more. While she was at it, she added that she was "relieved" not to have seen me at the 8th grade graduation of my brother J.'s kids. And as a closer, she told me to expect a "long letter" from her about "these last few years". Oh, goody.

I was of a very mixed mind about sending her the letter, but I had to send her checks anyway, and her negative phone messages were piling up at a very accelerated rate (3 or 4 over a period of as many days).

I wrote her this, and popped it in the overnight express mail today:

19 June 2008

Mom,

I received your phone messages about sending you checks. I was out of town for a few days and wasn’t able to get these into the mail until today. If you had let me know sooner, rather than after you’d run out of checks, then this last-minute drama could have been avoided. But that’s not how you do things, is it?

You made no mention of the IRS letters I forwarded to you last month. As I’ve been suggesting for a long time…please let J. help you get those taxes filed, and soon. I made sure J. knew about the letters. Your 2006 tax receipts are complete and waiting for you at (the accountant's); hopefully, they’re still willing to work with you. The paperwork for the earlier tax return is spread all over the place (one of your houses, the hotel, who knows; in any case, I have little or none of it).

I would just go ahead and file for 2006, if only to show the IRS you are acting in good faith. If the IRS comes after you with an audit, that will be an extremely unfortunate thing. They will not be interested in the whys and wherefores of why you haven’t filed. From what I can see, the IRS has been relatively patient in your case. It’s your decision.

In terms of your keeping track of how long you’ve been in the hotel…30 months and counting…that’s just how you wanted it to be. You went back to the hotel initially because you refused to live up to your end of our very clear deal (allowing me to find you a place to live near me after I extricated you from your untenable living situation on the Vineyard in October 2005, at your urgent request). You refused to cooperate with me or with Rob, and ignored our wishes and needs completely during your stay here. You never had any intention, apparently, of being true to your word by allowing me to find you a place to live near me. I have never been more clearly or profoundly manipulated by anyone.

You preferred, instead (after I lost all patience with you, and any tolerance for the way you were treating me or my partner) to go back to the hotel, where people are paid to do your bidding and do not necessarily have your best interests at heart. Rather than living near one of your children, you chose instead to return to your “paid friends” in the hotel where you’ve spent the majority of your life over the past five or more years. The longer you’ve stayed there, the less able you’ve been to deal with people equally. Again --- your decision.

Regarding the twins’ graduation, J. informed me about it, and invited me to it, while at the same time jokingly acknowledging that I’d probably prefer to spend time with them at a separate time --- which I have done and will continue to do. The fact that you reported being “relieved” to not see me there is utterly redundant to me, at this point. But thanks for passing on the good wishes, as usual…

I wrote you in July of 2006 with genuine hope and open-mindedness, saying that if you’d work with visiting nurses and/or a care manager, and start working with J. on getting your taxes filed and perhaps selling one of the Vineyard houses, I would consider resuming our relationship. None of these things has happened. You seemingly won’t even work with J., whom you always claimed to trust completely. Regina tried, and failed, to work with you --- she walked away shaking her head, despite her 30 years of experience in the field.

Rather, I get calls from your friends and former friends on both coasts in the wake of your contacting them, asking me to try explain your situation. I can’t explain your situation, nor could just about anyone, because it so defies any standard of common sense. The only conclusion one can come away with is that you are doing just what you want to do. You certainly have the resources to live your life in other ways --- indeed, even the resources to make positive changes happen easily and quickly --- but you have chosen not to. Once again: your decision.

Please do not call or write with yet another recital of the history of how hard you have worked as a mother. Yes --- I see, on a frequent basis, the substantial cultural, artistic, and intellectual advantages that were afforded to me by growing up in the environment that you did so much to create in my early childhood. But that was 30 or 40 years ago. In the here and now: If you’re so invested in your accomplishments as a parent, then you should take urgent notice of the fact that all three of your intelligent children vehemently oppose your recent life decisions, each in our own way and in our own words.

Your life now has very little to do with chance; you have more ability to accept help and access resources than 98% of the planet. Your day-to-day life now, other than your health issues, is a direct consequence of decisions YOU have made --- or rather, have refused to make (inaction, after awhile, becomes an action in and of itself).

Start accepting responsibility for your actions, really try to see your current situation for what it is, and allow J. to help you more substantively (at this point, that would likely mean beginning by giving him limited power of attorney to do things like complete your taxes). If so, we might have something to talk about. Otherwise, I could not be more relieved to have given up, several years ago, my front-row seat in watching the frankly bizarre, damaging manner in which you have chosen to live your life in recent years.