2006: the future?

What might come next? I wish I knew.

I am hoping that, since I was apparently my mother's closest confidante, that my absence from her life will make her *think* about her life; not the grandeur, real or imagined, of her past, but the reality of her present and the likely trajectory of her projected future. Trying to gain insight at age 75 when it's not a skill that has been rationally exercised throughout one's later adult years (at least) will be difficult for her. But she might begin to see that she does have resources (enough money to accomplish various methods of setting up her life in ways that will truly support her, like hiring an assistant/companion, a home health aide, a personal chef to deliver her real food instead of the expensive room service crap she's been eating in the hotel, etc.). She might begin to see that she has caring, able, willing children who will help her implement these changes (again, my brother J. is the front line now --- I am no longer willing now unless I begin to see change on her part, having been so spectacularly burned by her "lip service" in the past). If she begins to see these facts, and begins to act on them (or allow J. to act), then I am willing to consider seeing her again.

If she is unwilling to make these changes (or more likely, gives them "lip service" but takes no action, nor allows J. to take any action on her behalf), then I cannot again occupy a front-row seat in her life as she wallows in self-destructive behaviour. It's too painful. The best analogy I've been able to come up with is that she is drowning: flailing and splashing about in the water, gurgling the phrase "I'm drowning!" periodically, but then refusing to allow rescue personnel to actually approach her and bring her to shore, lashing out at them as they try to help. It's as if she just wants us to watch her drown, wants her drowning to be our focus as we look on in horror from the shore -- rather than wanting to be saved.

I have detached from her physically, but trying to conduct my otherwise engaging, positive life while she's flailing and yelling is difficult (she's "going under for the last time", as she's said of herself for years --- keep in mind, my entire life it's always been "the last time" and the suicide threats always have that fresh edge to them, even though the script is old, worn, and tired). Even though she's physically in the next state, and we haven't spoken in eight months, I know that she's drowning. It's damned unsettling at best, and nightmare-inducing at its worst.

But I do believe that, given the bond that we had in the past, my absence from her life is the only substantive chance I have to effect change in her. It may very well not work, but I think it's the best chance. Even if it doesn't work, at least I will have said "no more" to her attempts to have me as her passive audience, her lone groupie, as she destroys herself, not trusting her children enough to bring her ample resources to bear to help her find comfort in her old age. Even if she never changes, at least I'll have the knowledge that, at last, I stopped enabling her and began to try to heal myself. Given the way she is living now, if she cannot change course, I regret to say that when I hear she has passed on, I will feel very little other than mere relief. In a way, I began mourning for her years ago. When she dies, she at least won't be suffering anymore, nor will she be attempting to get those who care about her to sit and watch her from the shore as she drowns in slow motion, choking and flailing.