8/06: kindred spirits

Will the wonders of the 'net never cease? I found an online support group for Adult Children of Narcissists just before I began writing this blog and have found it incredibly helpful. The degree of similarity in the stories I read (to each other, and to my own) is pretty uncanny. The words "narcissistic" and "narcissist", through long and hard experience of the denizens of the support group, are abbreviated to simply "N" --- damn, they are tough words to spell correctly!!!

Here's a sample post (names have been initialized):

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S., I so understand what you are going through trying to come to grips with what has happened to you, the truth about your mother, and what this means about you and the rest of your life. I think our moms must be similar in addition to the N factor! My mom was so mean to me because I was the only child in the family who didn't fight back. I was the perfect victim. I, too, hear about what others suffered, and I think, "Well, I didn't have it that bad in comparison..." She never hit me (except for the occasional slap when she was in a rage over something. She never broke any of my bones). I did get the necessary things in my life. Knowing that others had it worse really does make it hard to admit that yes, others had it worse, but that doesn't make what you endured okay. It still hurt, and was scary, and affected the person you became. Plus that 2-faced thing they do to make outsiders think they are perfect is really confusing because it does make others think you must be crazy to speak ill of such a "lovely person".

I was in my 40s before I admitted even to myself that I was abused. It took a counselor to tell me that. I was 60 before I found out about her narcissism. And I also feel bad about "being mean to my poor old mother". She's 88 now. She realizes that I have really hard feelings for her because of things she claims not to remember. Yeah, if it affected her, you can bet your ass she remembers!! She was such a bully as long as I lived in her house and she had control over me. She continued to bully me well into my adulthood until I caught on and refused to have more than minimal contact with her. I think this is true of many narcissists: they bully as long as they have control. When they lose the control, they resort to playing the pity card. I sometimes feel bad about talking trash about an 88 year old woman, but the mean/outrageous/stupid/manipulative things she does are the same things she's done all her life. It's not because she old, it's because she's a mean and self-centered narcissist!

I think that as a child living with a narcissist, you almost HAVE to think the parent is okay and right and that there's something wrong with you to make them that way. How much power did we think we had to turn someone into a raging maniac? I think it's too scary for a child to admit their parent is unbalanced and they have to figure out their way in the world on their own. NMom's view of reality is truly unbelievable, plus she used me like a pawn to make things work out best for her. She'd tell me something and I'd think, "That just can't be right...", but I kept thinking and hoping that Mom knows best. What a load of crap that turned out to be. Sometimes I'd ask her why I had to do something a certain way (the way she wanted it). This took a lot of courage on my part because she usually flew into a rage at being questioned. Since she couldn't think of a reason other than it was what she wanted, she'd say, "Well, I just think it's best...". Yeah, best for her! She wasn't even smart enough to come up with a creative reason! LOL

S., I think the first step is in continuing to write out what you remember about your life and abuse you suffered. Only after you admit it happened can you begin to heal and become the person you want to be. I found that only recently I am learning to forgive myself for things I've seen in myself as mistakes or shortcomings. Now fully aware of what I was up against, I see myself more as a survivor and one who triumphed over tremendous odds.

Most of us spent our early years parenting our NParent and missed out on our own childhood and adolescence. The anger needs to be fully expressed before you can put your past in the proper perspective for who you are now. You are on the right track and just because the process is painful and frustrating and stirs up a lot of anger and resentment doesn't mean you aren't making progress and doing the right thing. You are a sane, normal person who was forced to live in a horrendous situation.

Courage and love to you,

X.