house of bonsai: Monastery Update

December 26, 2008

Monastery Update

I'd lost track of this email from Father Zach at the monastery, originally sent to me in January of 2008.

"E.,

I got this message today from a monk who lives at (our sister monastery) in (other town, California). I eliminated the words meant just about a question I'd asked him, but not about her. I send this to you only for your information.

Fr. Zach."

The excerpt of the note from the other monk followed:

"Hi Zach,

Yes (deleted section)...and also to convey the news of the serious illness of an oblate, Dr. E.J.M., of Boston, who is to be operated on next week for ovarian cancer, but since the cancer has metastasized, the doctors (including herself) forsee little possibility that she will live more than a few weeks. She asked me to send her some of Arthur's cards, so that she can write goodbye letters to family and friends. In everyone's name, I promised prayers. Please also tell Fr. Michael F. (she's been trying to reach him, too) and put up a note on the prayer board."

I've been in touch with my brother J. throughout this year. She's been in the hospital, yes, but ovarian cancer was not the reason. Now, at year's end, she's alive, kicking, and spitting battery acid on anyone who gets near.

The manipulation of the kind, open-hearted men of the Monastery is simply jaw-dropping. How dare she inflate her problems in order to keep their attentions to her at the highest level possible when they have so much worthy work to attend to?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: glad to see you are back. I really enjoy reading your blog. I can relate to the attention seeking behavior. Once my mother complained that while emptying the garbage can in the bathroom she stuck her finger on a hypodermic needle. I asked if she had taken the needle to a clinic for testing. ( I would, I'd be worried about HIV or Heptatitis). She said no, now that I think about it that couldn't have happened because we hardly ever have guests (and at that time we hadn't had any in weeks as I recall) and she didn't say anything at the time which is completely out of character for her.

That's the other thing - she sometimes goes through the garbage with her bare hands. Like she'll actually stick her hand in the garbage can and pick what's in there to transfer it into the recycling back. Its just us but yeeuuuchh! I've told her many times before to stop doing that. its gross and when she touches something particularly gross she gets really mad but it never stops her.; 1:53 PM

how to navigate this blog

Welcome!

First, please read the "first post, August 2006", further down in this column. It sets the context for everything that follows.

Then, please click on the labels section and go chronologically. Sometimes I'll write about a memory about something which happened a long time ago, so going by the dates the posts were written isn't the best way to read the blog. Occasionally, a given post that is relevant over time will have several labels applied to it (1970s, 1980s, 1990s). But overall: stick with the labels and it will be a lot clearer!

Thank you for being here, and for reading.

Note: some names have been changed to preserve privacy.

first post, August 2006

Recently, it's come to my attention that I have a challenge to meet, a life-altering decision to make: can I continue to have contact with my mother and still hold onto my integrity, my sanity, my serenity?

My mother (who at her best was at one time glamorous, brilliant, interesting, eclectic, and self-absorbed) has morphed over the past years and decades into an unrepentant, myopic, full-blown narcissist. She turns all conversations back to the topic of herself, thinks nothing of the true welfare of others (although she sometimes pretends to do so for short periods when it serves her), and can never take even partial responsibility for any of her actions or inactions. "I am sorry" is a phrase which never falls from her lips...never.

Everyone has bad times and bad luck, but in her eyes, her bad times and bad luck are always worse than anyone else's. She's been "going through a hard time" from the years of my earliest memories, at age 3 or 4, more or less non-stop up through today. Her reaction to others putting up healthy boundaries (in my case, very late in life) is to fly into one of her legendary rages. She also cannot take responsibility for the fact that her actions (and inactions) have been prime contributors to the very negative, sad, isolated place her life has now become.

Her friends, subjected increasingly to her incessant self-focus and self-pity, have been abandoning her in droves, finally tiring of the asymmetric nurturing she requires of all those around her. This trend has put even more pressure on me, in recent years, to be there for her, as one of her last remaining contacts. And now even I am throwing in the towel, going against every ounce of socialization I've received (as her only daughter) from her and from society at large.

Because one of the primary methods of a narcissist is be at the center of attention (whether positive or negative, sometimes it doesn't even matter to them) and to have others see life through their distorted point of view, it seems that children of narcissistic parents can really bear the brunt of this disorder.

It seems that it is only now --- after 40 years of life on this earth, a decade or more of escalating attempts to help her with her never-ending, chronic-by-design problems and issues, several recent severe crises due to my overextending my and my partner's energies to try to help even more --- that I am able to even look at the history, the issues, and for a sane path out of this dark thicket of her pathology. I attribute this growth to increasing self-esteem and resiliency, due in no small part to a wonderful partner and friends, as well as some therapy.

Merely telling my friends "she makes all conversations into brochures about herself" or "she can't apologize" doesn't even begin to illustrate the true depth of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If I sit down to chat and tell these ridiculous stories over again with various friends, particularly in enough detail to give even a fraction of the full picture, it will take up too much of our potentially much more pleasant time together.

At the same time, I do want those who are close to me to understand what it is that I've experienced, on whatever level they're interested or have time for --- from skimming a post or two to reading more extensively. Much of it will come as a surprise, precisely because of the fact that the sheer oddness and inappropriateness of her behaviour leads me not to bring it up in polite company. It's all too weird, too complicated, and too unsavory to discuss within the context of an average dinner with friends...

Perhaps most importantly, these memories have been living in my head for years, and I've been holding onto them almost like a set of worry beads, a template to keep in mind in case other narcissistic people try to enter my life, so I can run in the other direction. Since, in her absence, I'm finally beginning to trust my judgment a bit more, I think I can safely begin to let these memories go, to let them fade a bit --- to the best extent possible. Writing them out, I'm hoping, will go a good way toward accomplishing that "letting go".

Whether you're an old friend, a treasured colleague, or someone whom I've met and bonded with through the online ACON community, I welcome your comments and cherish your ongoing support and friendship.

house of bonsai

December 26, 2008

Monastery Update

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