house of bonsai: no going back

January 7, 2007

no going back

The following is a post from a very wise participant in one of the ACON (adult children of narcissists) online forums. There are many things I've wanted to post about lately, but this synthesizes a lot of the thoughts I've been having.

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Expectations that she might change - I see those as your dreams of what a mother-daughter relationship is supposed to be. Grieving the loss of a loved one is always hard; painful. But grieving the loss of a loved one who is still alive is much, much harder. When we get to the point of needing to grieve the loss of one who is still alive, it means that we realize we need to kill off our dreams. We have to give up on the dreams of everything that was supposed to be but never was and never will be. What can suck more than that? And when that N should finally die, we are left grieving both sides of the fence - what is gone now, and also what we never had to begin with. Whereas the norm would be to treasure the memories and the love shared, to celebrate the person's life, and then to grieve for what we can no longer share. But in the case of ACONs, the grief is doubly as intense. It's not really our failure, but it can feel like that - What is so wrong with me that I never deserved to be loved in the first place? How many times have I subconsciously asked myself that question! All I am saying is that I totally get your thinking about if your mother were dead you would finally be able to give up your expectations or hopes that she might change.

But I've been through this scene with my father. And knowing that he was dead and could no longer change didn't help. Because it set into stone the fact that I never had "it" and never will. For me it felt like total defeat. It took close to a year, but when I finally grieved all I could with tears, I suddenly felt relief. It wasn't easy, but I could finally admit that I was glad he was gone. That finally, my life would belong to me, not to my father. I would no longer have to worry about what he would say or think or do every time I spoke or thought or did. I could finally just be me! In my case, both my parents are/were Ns so my complete and total emotional freedom didn't really arrive until I moved many many miles away from my Nmom, Nbro, and Nsis. But now that I have it (my emotional freedom), believe me, there is NO GOING BACK.

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how to navigate this blog

Welcome!

First, please read the "first post, August 2006", further down in this column. It sets the context for everything that follows.

Then, please click on the labels section and go chronologically. Sometimes I'll write about a memory about something which happened a long time ago, so going by the dates the posts were written isn't the best way to read the blog. Occasionally, a given post that is relevant over time will have several labels applied to it (1970s, 1980s, 1990s). But overall: stick with the labels and it will be a lot clearer!

Thank you for being here, and for reading.

Note: some names have been changed to preserve privacy.

first post, August 2006

Recently, it's come to my attention that I have a challenge to meet, a life-altering decision to make: can I continue to have contact with my mother and still hold onto my integrity, my sanity, my serenity?

My mother (who at her best was at one time glamorous, brilliant, interesting, eclectic, and self-absorbed) has morphed over the past years and decades into an unrepentant, myopic, full-blown narcissist. She turns all conversations back to the topic of herself, thinks nothing of the true welfare of others (although she sometimes pretends to do so for short periods when it serves her), and can never take even partial responsibility for any of her actions or inactions. "I am sorry" is a phrase which never falls from her lips...never.

Everyone has bad times and bad luck, but in her eyes, her bad times and bad luck are always worse than anyone else's. She's been "going through a hard time" from the years of my earliest memories, at age 3 or 4, more or less non-stop up through today. Her reaction to others putting up healthy boundaries (in my case, very late in life) is to fly into one of her legendary rages. She also cannot take responsibility for the fact that her actions (and inactions) have been prime contributors to the very negative, sad, isolated place her life has now become.

Her friends, subjected increasingly to her incessant self-focus and self-pity, have been abandoning her in droves, finally tiring of the asymmetric nurturing she requires of all those around her. This trend has put even more pressure on me, in recent years, to be there for her, as one of her last remaining contacts. And now even I am throwing in the towel, going against every ounce of socialization I've received (as her only daughter) from her and from society at large.

Because one of the primary methods of a narcissist is be at the center of attention (whether positive or negative, sometimes it doesn't even matter to them) and to have others see life through their distorted point of view, it seems that children of narcissistic parents can really bear the brunt of this disorder.

It seems that it is only now --- after 40 years of life on this earth, a decade or more of escalating attempts to help her with her never-ending, chronic-by-design problems and issues, several recent severe crises due to my overextending my and my partner's energies to try to help even more --- that I am able to even look at the history, the issues, and for a sane path out of this dark thicket of her pathology. I attribute this growth to increasing self-esteem and resiliency, due in no small part to a wonderful partner and friends, as well as some therapy.

Merely telling my friends "she makes all conversations into brochures about herself" or "she can't apologize" doesn't even begin to illustrate the true depth of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If I sit down to chat and tell these ridiculous stories over again with various friends, particularly in enough detail to give even a fraction of the full picture, it will take up too much of our potentially much more pleasant time together.

At the same time, I do want those who are close to me to understand what it is that I've experienced, on whatever level they're interested or have time for --- from skimming a post or two to reading more extensively. Much of it will come as a surprise, precisely because of the fact that the sheer oddness and inappropriateness of her behaviour leads me not to bring it up in polite company. It's all too weird, too complicated, and too unsavory to discuss within the context of an average dinner with friends...

Perhaps most importantly, these memories have been living in my head for years, and I've been holding onto them almost like a set of worry beads, a template to keep in mind in case other narcissistic people try to enter my life, so I can run in the other direction. Since, in her absence, I'm finally beginning to trust my judgment a bit more, I think I can safely begin to let these memories go, to let them fade a bit --- to the best extent possible. Writing them out, I'm hoping, will go a good way toward accomplishing that "letting go".

Whether you're an old friend, a treasured colleague, or someone whom I've met and bonded with through the online ACON community, I welcome your comments and cherish your ongoing support and friendship.

house of bonsai

January 7, 2007

no going back

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