house of bonsai: a word from the Monastery

January 1, 2008

a word from the Monastery

I heard tonight from Father Zach, who was among my mother's staunchest friends at the Monastery in California. He emailed me and said that she'd left a message on his voicemail. We had a nice talk after I returned his email, cut short only by a failing cordless phone battery (his).

He's obviously at a loss about how to proceed. She has that effect on a lot of people. Past experiences simply do not prepare people for the prospect of dealing with her.

I am not certain why she called me - I mean was she wanting me to go to bat for her? Feel sorry for her? Feel bad because she said I have abandoned her? I don't know, since I did not actually speak with her.

I will let you know what my next move is in regards to your mother.

I like your mother a great deal and don't want to do anything to harm her because she and I had some great laughs and talks and I remember them with great joy.

She is reaching out to me, I don't know why, but I want to do the right thing for her sake. I have forgiven her for her actions and words to me; I have not told her that, but I am cautious though about opening up this correspondence but I will pray hard and long about it first.

Thanks again and I will be back in touch.

I know she was hard on all of the monks, but exactly what she might have done to merit Father Zach's forgiveness...I really don't want to know.

One tidbit that he passed on was that my mother said, in her voicemail to him, that I was "her favorite child". I'm somehow not surprised...she had the longest time with me; I'm the only one who ever lived alone with her (my brother J. was an only child for six years before my brother M. came along, but my father was on the scene then). I thought, in passing, yeah...I'm the one she trained the best.

The thing that made it most worthwhile for me, though, is he told me that what I'd done, in cutting contact with my mother due to the circumstances, was "brave". Wow. I'm not a Christian, but hearing that (coming from a religious man of unquestionable scruples who happens to know my mother and understand the situation) goes an awfully long way.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: I hope he chooses to be brave and cut her off, too. Fire is hot the first, the second, and infinite time!

She's really reaching out to people lately, isn't she? Must be running low on n-supply.; 3:06 AM

Post a Comment

how to navigate this blog

Welcome!

First, please read the "first post, August 2006", further down in this column. It sets the context for everything that follows.

Then, please click on the labels section and go chronologically. Sometimes I'll write about a memory about something which happened a long time ago, so going by the dates the posts were written isn't the best way to read the blog. Occasionally, a given post that is relevant over time will have several labels applied to it (1970s, 1980s, 1990s). But overall: stick with the labels and it will be a lot clearer!

Thank you for being here, and for reading.

Note: some names have been changed to preserve privacy.

first post, August 2006

Recently, it's come to my attention that I have a challenge to meet, a life-altering decision to make: can I continue to have contact with my mother and still hold onto my integrity, my sanity, my serenity?

My mother (who at her best was at one time glamorous, brilliant, interesting, eclectic, and self-absorbed) has morphed over the past years and decades into an unrepentant, myopic, full-blown narcissist. She turns all conversations back to the topic of herself, thinks nothing of the true welfare of others (although she sometimes pretends to do so for short periods when it serves her), and can never take even partial responsibility for any of her actions or inactions. "I am sorry" is a phrase which never falls from her lips...never.

Everyone has bad times and bad luck, but in her eyes, her bad times and bad luck are always worse than anyone else's. She's been "going through a hard time" from the years of my earliest memories, at age 3 or 4, more or less non-stop up through today. Her reaction to others putting up healthy boundaries (in my case, very late in life) is to fly into one of her legendary rages. She also cannot take responsibility for the fact that her actions (and inactions) have been prime contributors to the very negative, sad, isolated place her life has now become.

Her friends, subjected increasingly to her incessant self-focus and self-pity, have been abandoning her in droves, finally tiring of the asymmetric nurturing she requires of all those around her. This trend has put even more pressure on me, in recent years, to be there for her, as one of her last remaining contacts. And now even I am throwing in the towel, going against every ounce of socialization I've received (as her only daughter) from her and from society at large.

Because one of the primary methods of a narcissist is be at the center of attention (whether positive or negative, sometimes it doesn't even matter to them) and to have others see life through their distorted point of view, it seems that children of narcissistic parents can really bear the brunt of this disorder.

It seems that it is only now --- after 40 years of life on this earth, a decade or more of escalating attempts to help her with her never-ending, chronic-by-design problems and issues, several recent severe crises due to my overextending my and my partner's energies to try to help even more --- that I am able to even look at the history, the issues, and for a sane path out of this dark thicket of her pathology. I attribute this growth to increasing self-esteem and resiliency, due in no small part to a wonderful partner and friends, as well as some therapy.

Merely telling my friends "she makes all conversations into brochures about herself" or "she can't apologize" doesn't even begin to illustrate the true depth of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If I sit down to chat and tell these ridiculous stories over again with various friends, particularly in enough detail to give even a fraction of the full picture, it will take up too much of our potentially much more pleasant time together.

At the same time, I do want those who are close to me to understand what it is that I've experienced, on whatever level they're interested or have time for --- from skimming a post or two to reading more extensively. Much of it will come as a surprise, precisely because of the fact that the sheer oddness and inappropriateness of her behaviour leads me not to bring it up in polite company. It's all too weird, too complicated, and too unsavory to discuss within the context of an average dinner with friends...

Perhaps most importantly, these memories have been living in my head for years, and I've been holding onto them almost like a set of worry beads, a template to keep in mind in case other narcissistic people try to enter my life, so I can run in the other direction. Since, in her absence, I'm finally beginning to trust my judgment a bit more, I think I can safely begin to let these memories go, to let them fade a bit --- to the best extent possible. Writing them out, I'm hoping, will go a good way toward accomplishing that "letting go".

Whether you're an old friend, a treasured colleague, or someone whom I've met and bonded with through the online ACON community, I welcome your comments and cherish your ongoing support and friendship.

house of bonsai

January 1, 2008

a word from the Monastery

1 comment:

Followers

Search This Blog