I find my need for time alone is a lot larger than that of other adults of my acquaintance. It's one of the largest reasons why, though I'm a high school music teacher and enjoy kids, I decided in my very late 20s that I wouldn't become a parent. My need for uninterrupted peace (punctuated only by my cats and my very resourceful, very non-N, very low-maintenance-when-I-need-him-to-be husband) seems to be one of the most non-negotiable things for me. I love people, and I love being social, but I also need my alone time or things can get very out of balance.
I think it's partially because, as a kid, I always had to keep one ear open for my N-mother. One never knew when she was going to have a fit or a tantrum (well, I got better at it as I got into adolescence, but as a young child it seemed truly random). My brothers and I had a special hand signal for "impending blow-up": we'd touch the side of our nose to warn each other about an oncoming problem.
I'm not sure one can ever make up for a deficit like that --- that lack of real security. One can only compensate and try to heal the wound. I'm left with some pretty obvious scar tissue, I guess.
13 comments:
Elise, I totally know what you mean. My one difference is that I did have kids - I think since my home was broken, I had an overwhelming desire to "recreate" the stable family life I didn't have. Either way, we have both sought to give ourselves something in our adult lives that we didn't have as children.
Still, I also value my alone time. I do socialize, but honestly, 99% of the time, I'd rather be on my own, puttering around with something at home.
My mother didn't freak out at random, it was on a pretty regular basis. She almost seemed to feel she wasn't well defined if she wasn't monopolizing a conversation in order to appear smarter, listening to bad gossip about someone else to make herself feel better, or pretty much just acting the "lady" for everyone's benefit.
I think it scared my mother to be alone, because then she wasn't sure of who she was. So, instead of having a normal phone call, she'd pick a fight over something, anything, so that she could feel engaged with something for the rest of the day.
I still hate to pick up the phone, no matter who's on the other end, as phone calls for me were always "mom's bored again" affairs that would just end up making my day suck. You couldn't even win by not picking up the phone, because she'd get angry with you in the next 10 messages for not being available. sigh.
I hear you, Maria.
I, too, have big-time phone issues. I'm OK once I get started talking on the phone with a pal, but when the phone rings, I just want to run.
I believe the technical term is "dread".
I'm very glad you wrote about this. Until now I really thought it was odd (though harmless) that I enjoy the alone times. I literally have to talk myself into attending a party, reminding myself that I always enjoy these social interactions once I’m there and I’m at ease with mingling and striking up conversations with random strangers. But given a choice I would rather do things by myself: go to a movie, hiking, shopping, etc. I never understood why solitary confinement in prison is so awful, people discuss it as if it is fate worse than death.
My sister is the same way, for Christmas I have her Starbucks gift card so she can spend her alone time there, away from her husband (who might have N tendency) and her 2 cute kids. One time my mom visited her what was supposed to be a 2 month visit but she returned home weeks early with endless litany of complaints. After couple of days of that nonsense I said, “Her husband wants attention from her. Her kids want attention from her. YOU want attention from her. Was ANYBODY paying attention to her?” Mom was utterly shocked by this and it took her half a day to come back with a retort.
I too, need that solitary time. Sometimes just staring at the ceiling. I've had a few therapists tell me that it was great that I knew that about myself and that I had that coping mechanism.
But it doesn't feel great. It just feels like the only way I've ever been able to deal with the world.
I've finally learned that because of my mother, I tend to be hyper-vigilant when I am around other people, especially women. Constantly analyzing tone of voice and body-language. It is completely exhausting, and unfortunately I tend to fall into jobs with N-tendency women. Not surprisingly they love me because I anticipate their needs. But then I come home and just feel dead inside.
Right now, I've found a happy-medium kind-of job. I do a kind of phone triage, which allows me my compulsion to help people, but keeps the interactions short. So far it's a pretty good fit.
Elise,
You have no idea how grateful I am you wrote on this subject. Extremely relieved, in fact. For the last month or so, I've really pulled back in. Happy that my friends are busy, out of town, etc. I putter around the house, with the my dog, more than happy to be mostly alone. I've been craving the silence. I'm okay that my teenagers are happily occupied. I've been slightly worried that I'm becoming a loner or strange...but I'm not lonely.
When I read your post and Maria's comment...it all clicked in to place and I think I understand it better now. It's not so freaky. In fact, it makes perfect sense. That after all these years of chaos and chatter I'm relishing the quiet.
THANK YOU!
I think my mom is a narcissist, but I continue to have doubts in my mind of what is normal and what isn't. I find myself always making excuses for her in my head and thinking "maybe Im being too hard on her". I remember when I was a little girl, she was such a "good" mother. She always made my meals, put me in good private schools, took care of me when I was sick etc. However looking back I also remember her saying every day, "you didnt tell me you love me today". I felt I had to tell her every day that I loved her. I was so attached to her and always worried about her. I would even write letters and notes to her while in school telling her how special and great she was and how much I loved her. When I got to be about 11 and my parents divorced she would hide in her room when she came home from work. I didnt see her much at all and felt like she had died. A fear I had as a child had come true. Bassically as I got older she began to criticize a lot and we fought all the time. Now I am 36 and I still love her but hate her at the same time. And now I am beginning counselling next week. Some of the things she has done are as follows.
Last Christmas she got mad because I didnt buy her what she wanted (a dishwasher) for Christmas. We got in a huge fight over it. She ruins Christmas every year by saying no one is in the Chrismas spirit and just starting stuff. On her birthday she shows how everyone else bought her the nicest gifts and cards and how they love her; implying that I don't as much. "They appreciate her and I don't". She always has to remind me of fathers day and my own husbands birthday when I already know that. She insults and when I show that I took it personal she says I have no sense of humour and pretends it was only a joke when it wasnt. She will also say, "you are way too sensitive". She accuses me of "hiding" if I leave her sight or just want to be alone. She has kept all those letters and notes I wrote her and reminds me of how much I loved her. When she enters the house all attention is to be on her. She says "helloooo helloooo where is everyone". She also wants everyone to drop everything to do what she wants NOW. she does not listen to anything I have to say for more than a few seconds. Her problems are always far greater than mine and she will call me at least once a day and if tell her I am not able to talk because Im busy, she gets angry. Am I dealing with a narcissist mother? She does seem to care when bad things happen to people though.
Hi Anonymous,
Sounds like you've got a problem on your hands in your mother. I'm not a mental health professional, but there are definitely issues there!
In terms of your mom being good when there's trouble in other people's lives, that held true for my mother, as well. Check out this post, entitled "Other People's Problems":
http://houseofbonsai.blogspot.com/2006/08/1980s-opp-other-peoples-problems.html
Thanks for writing, anonymous!
I love being alone too. In fact I feel like I am from another planet sometimes when I am around normal people. It takes awhile for me to relax at all. If you see a person standing on the edge listening and generally only talking if asked a question that person is probably me. Also a perpetual frown unless a fake smile is required.
Luckily if I am around people without my mom for a week or so I start relaxing a bit. Then a bit more then I try conversation. I get this sense that I keep on killing the conversation though. Not to good at that skill yet but with practice hopefully lol.
Even when I get to the point where I am a bit more relaxed I am still very tense and nervous being careful in everything I say so as not to offend.
In fact when I am around people I am scared stiff. What am I supposed to do is the first and foremost thing I try to figure out. I just can't be natural.
Also I am a teenager so I am still living with you know what. Completely isolated in homeschool no wonder my social skills are inept...............
I don't even listen to music most of the time. Complete silence. Aaah
And then when I relax I can get hyper and sometimes when I start talking I just need to talk after not talking for so long.
I don't feel lonely 99% of the time but sometimes I do long for a friend that understood. Here I go right now right here. I start typing and it keeps on going.
Garfield TCON
Wow, Garfield...
To be a teenager as a child of a narcissist and to be as far along as you are, in terms of awareness, is an amazing thing.
Keep breathing...your world will be much more your own as time goes on!
As a child of a narcissist, with two N sisters, I can totally understand the alone time.
In my case, nobody really wanted to spend time with me at home, my sisters ran the roost, they were nearly a decade older than me. My younger brother was always out playing with his friends. I didn't like the neighbourhood girls, and have always been highly suspicious of female cliques, or even women's behaviour in general as you can imagine. I still like people, I am just very hyper-vigilant.
Having said that, I have also discovered that my personality is introverted. I wonder if many children of Ns have been taken advantage of because they are quiet, naturally sensitive to others, observant and happy to stand on the sidelines, as opposed to being addicted to attention like Ns are.
The definition of Introvert isn't antisocial or dysfunctional, it just means that we get our energy by being alone, while Extroverts get their energy from social interaction.
There are alot of websites out there dedicated to Introversion and explaining its advantages. I have spent the last four years studying Nism and its effect on me as a person. I find knowing yourself is a great gift, especially when you have spent your whole adult life (I am mid forties too) shutting off your own needs to focus on others.
Meg,
Awesome response. Thanks so much.
I feel much more balanced, socially, than I did as a teen. When I was younger, I would run out of the house at the slightest rumor of something going on socially. Now I pick and choose.
I think it has a lot to do with my home being an actual place of peace and sanctuary. As a kid, although I frequently found quiet nooks and read, far away from everyone, home was a place of much psychological upset...little to none of which was within my control, or even full understanding.
My sister and I have a self-absorbed mother - not classically narcissistic, but definitely self-absorbed. The part I am confused about is that my mother never openly expresses anger towards us. It was always obvious when she was angry (we used to call it her "frozen face"), but there was never overt emotion.
She is sugar on the outside, but sour on the inside. Anyone else familiar with this?
Man. In the past few months of reading blogs like this, I thought I'd seen every kind of similarity that could be related to my situation. But when I saw these references to phone fear today, my heart nearly skipped a beat!
All I can say is, you are definitely not alone.
-Cassandra
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