house of bonsai: Housekeeping

January 11, 2012

Housekeeping

I went through my files tonight, filing away new things and purging old files. It's a big job, as my husband and I moved in 2010 and have renovated our house for months on end --- I'm just getting around to getting re-organized!

As I went through the files, I noticed some old baggage I've been hanging onto for decades --- through many file re-organizations indeed. The question is: why?

The first was a copy of my parents' divorce decree, dated 1979. There were plenty of my mother's notes written in the margins, indicating points of perceived injustice in what she got out of the bargain, or a discrepancy between the written agreement and its implementation. She gave me my own copy sometime back in the 80s, when I was in college, as if it were some kind of holy relic.

The other pile was a group of financial aid documents left over from my college education: receipts from loan agreements I'd signed, financial aid statements from the college itself, work-study hours lists, etc. Along with this file were a few copies of letters my mother wrote to my father about the state of my college payments and finances. I went to college after my parents' divorce was final, but long before she had her very fortunate marriage to her second husband, who was a self-made millionaire (and probably would have paid the full freight for my college costs, if he'd had the chance.) My father didn't contribute much to my college education, true --- less than was agreed to in the divorce decree, I believe --- but she made the finances into something of a jihad, and tried her best to make it my jihad, too.

I don't know why I feel as if it's finally OK to shred all of that stuff and finally throw it out, but tonight, I did. After all, I paid off my student loans in the 90s. I have a feeling that I kept it for as long as I did because some residual sense of needing to cart around past evidence of alleged wrongdoing perpetrated against me. This kind of constant case-building for lawsuits that never actually take place has been a hallmark of her life ever since I can remember, and she apparently did her best to get me started on the same hobby.

No thanks.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...: Good to see you back, bonsai! It must have been very freeing to shred all that junk.; 11:25 AM
PWC said...: Glad you were able to shred old documents, I've been meaning to clean out my docs as well. There's no reason to hang on to some of them.

Narcissists do try to fan the flames of conflict and get as many people to participate as possible, it seems to be part of their drama-loving M.O.; 8:28 PM
Pitstop said...: So nice to speak to you. Happy shredding event to you!
Yours was one of the first blogs I found last year just after enlightenment.
I agree about the need for narcissists to have conflict. If it ain't there, they'll create it out of zilch. Life's too short! xx; 8:16 PM
The Packing Queen said...: Hi, My name is Amanda and I am studying to become a counsellor. as part of my course am doing a presentation on NPD. I wonder if I could use a small part of your blog to illustrate the fall out on children and families that NPD causes. I am happy to make it anonymous or cite your blog whichever you prefer.
Many thanks
Amanda; 2:50 AM
bonsai said...: Hi Packing Queen,

I'd be happy to have you use the posts. The way I've written it is already pretty anonymized, but I'd still like to know which posts you decide you'd like to use and review it first.

Thank you!; 10:53 AM

how to navigate this blog

Welcome!

First, please read the "first post, August 2006", further down in this column. It sets the context for everything that follows.

Then, please click on the labels section and go chronologically. Sometimes I'll write about a memory about something which happened a long time ago, so going by the dates the posts were written isn't the best way to read the blog. Occasionally, a given post that is relevant over time will have several labels applied to it (1970s, 1980s, 1990s). But overall: stick with the labels and it will be a lot clearer!

Thank you for being here, and for reading.

Note: some names have been changed to preserve privacy.

first post, August 2006

Recently, it's come to my attention that I have a challenge to meet, a life-altering decision to make: can I continue to have contact with my mother and still hold onto my integrity, my sanity, my serenity?

My mother (who at her best was at one time glamorous, brilliant, interesting, eclectic, and self-absorbed) has morphed over the past years and decades into an unrepentant, myopic, full-blown narcissist. She turns all conversations back to the topic of herself, thinks nothing of the true welfare of others (although she sometimes pretends to do so for short periods when it serves her), and can never take even partial responsibility for any of her actions or inactions. "I am sorry" is a phrase which never falls from her lips...never.

Everyone has bad times and bad luck, but in her eyes, her bad times and bad luck are always worse than anyone else's. She's been "going through a hard time" from the years of my earliest memories, at age 3 or 4, more or less non-stop up through today. Her reaction to others putting up healthy boundaries (in my case, very late in life) is to fly into one of her legendary rages. She also cannot take responsibility for the fact that her actions (and inactions) have been prime contributors to the very negative, sad, isolated place her life has now become.

Her friends, subjected increasingly to her incessant self-focus and self-pity, have been abandoning her in droves, finally tiring of the asymmetric nurturing she requires of all those around her. This trend has put even more pressure on me, in recent years, to be there for her, as one of her last remaining contacts. And now even I am throwing in the towel, going against every ounce of socialization I've received (as her only daughter) from her and from society at large.

Because one of the primary methods of a narcissist is be at the center of attention (whether positive or negative, sometimes it doesn't even matter to them) and to have others see life through their distorted point of view, it seems that children of narcissistic parents can really bear the brunt of this disorder.

It seems that it is only now --- after 40 years of life on this earth, a decade or more of escalating attempts to help her with her never-ending, chronic-by-design problems and issues, several recent severe crises due to my overextending my and my partner's energies to try to help even more --- that I am able to even look at the history, the issues, and for a sane path out of this dark thicket of her pathology. I attribute this growth to increasing self-esteem and resiliency, due in no small part to a wonderful partner and friends, as well as some therapy.

Merely telling my friends "she makes all conversations into brochures about herself" or "she can't apologize" doesn't even begin to illustrate the true depth of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If I sit down to chat and tell these ridiculous stories over again with various friends, particularly in enough detail to give even a fraction of the full picture, it will take up too much of our potentially much more pleasant time together.

At the same time, I do want those who are close to me to understand what it is that I've experienced, on whatever level they're interested or have time for --- from skimming a post or two to reading more extensively. Much of it will come as a surprise, precisely because of the fact that the sheer oddness and inappropriateness of her behaviour leads me not to bring it up in polite company. It's all too weird, too complicated, and too unsavory to discuss within the context of an average dinner with friends...

Perhaps most importantly, these memories have been living in my head for years, and I've been holding onto them almost like a set of worry beads, a template to keep in mind in case other narcissistic people try to enter my life, so I can run in the other direction. Since, in her absence, I'm finally beginning to trust my judgment a bit more, I think I can safely begin to let these memories go, to let them fade a bit --- to the best extent possible. Writing them out, I'm hoping, will go a good way toward accomplishing that "letting go".

Whether you're an old friend, a treasured colleague, or someone whom I've met and bonded with through the online ACON community, I welcome your comments and cherish your ongoing support and friendship.

house of bonsai

January 11, 2012

Housekeeping

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