As seen from without ...

Re-establishing contact with my childhood friend "Jane" has been a real eye-opener for me.  Although we'd been in touch briefly around the year 2000 (when she lived only one state away from me --- she now lives in the Midwest, nearly 1000 miles away), we lost touch thereafter.  Facebook brought us back in touch last year.

Jane was my best friend during early elementary school (grades K-5).  I suspect we might have stayed so if my mother and I hadn't suddenly moved from New Jersey to New England after I finished 5th grade (so suddenly that I never had a chance to say goodbye to my old classmates.)

In addition to the backstory that Jane provided regarding my mother's affair with her father, and its apparent cause or acceleration of the deterioration of her parents' marriage, she also dug up some vivid memories of one of my mother's tantrums and wrote to me about it.  Unlike most of her fits, this one occurred while two of my friends were in the house.  I was perhaps 8 or so.  The story involves a sleepover at my house with Jane and our mutual friend "Renee."

"You, Renee and I took a bath together, got all wild, and spilled a shitload of water all over your upstairs bathroom.  I don't think it was a horrible thing (i.e., water going down through the ceiling), but it was a horrible mess, like a bunch of idiot girls, far too large to share a bath, would make.

Your mom wasn't just mad; she was livid.  She screamed at Renee and I to get out of the bathroom.  You stayed in, and she slammed the door.  At this point, screaming began, and your crying, and lots of thumping.  Now, I can't say if she was being physical with you or not.  Renee started sobbing a bit --- your mom was going on and on for what seemed like forever, and at the top of her lungs.  It was most troubling, amid hearing your periodic crying and that damn thumping.

I said to Renee that you were going to be fine and that it would be best if we just pretended not to hear any of it, and tried to cheer your up after and/or help you clean after your mom was done.  We didn't need to:  after it took so long, Renee finally fell asleep.  When you were done, you came in and I think I said I was sorry you got in trouble, and we just went to sleep.  

I just remember like yesterday being on the top bunk of your bed during all of this.  The next day we got up and none of us said a word about it.  I never said a word about it later to either of you, my parents, or anyone.  You gave Renee a knitted ball for her new baby brother, and it all just went away." 

It seems to me that most parents, if they felt that the accidental water-spilling infraction was a huge deal, would have sent the friends home:  party over (a huge punishment in and of itself for tween girls.)  But instead, not only did my mother pull her all-too-frequent tantrum routine, but she also did it front of two of my closest friends, adding severe humiliation to the usual fear and contrition.

All of Jane's details came back to me as I read her message.  The episode had obviously left a big impression on her --- probably Renee as well (although I never re-gained contact with Renee after 5th grade.)  I guess that big impression was what my mother was going for.

It's been helpfully validating to hear about Jane's memory.  It clearly stuck with her, while I probably tried (unsuccessfully) to sweep it under the rug, minimize it, or rationalize it away.