house of bonsai: 1980

August 4, 2006

1980

High school was more or less the same. She was sometimes absent, having romantic affairs down in the Bahamas while on solo vacations, then coming back to brag about how "in touch with the black community" she was (we're white). Friends of hers, or my grandparents, would come and stay with me during these trips. She was still screaming and stomping around periodically --- that was always a given. She foisted just about all the housework and yardwork on me due to her mysterious, supremely-timed episodes of "bad back" (her time outside was spent with a glass or three of wine on the porch, or walking down to the beach for a morning t'ai chi session). At other times, she tried to make me into her best girlfriend by taking me out on weekly Friday dinners, where she'd let me order a beer --- underage, of course --- but if the server protested, she'd smile and say conspiratorily, "It's OK. I'm her mother." Somehow, in this early-80s atmosphere on the edge of "just say no", that kind of BS worked.

During these dinners, she seemed to drink no more or less than usual; meanwhile, I was receiving my first tutorials in getting a light buzz. She'd often regale me with stories about her romantic conquests in the Caribbean (what business did I have hearing about it?), spill the juicy gossip about her office, or riff a little more on what a lousy excuse for a human being my father was. She routinely broke the cardinal rule of divorce: don't diss the ex in front of the kids. Despite her master's in Public Health and wide reading in the field of mental health, she didn't seem to know about this rule. Or, far more likely, she simply didn't think of it as applying to her. What use would such a free spirit have for rules, anyway? I perceived those dinners out, at the time, as suffused with a certain glamour. Hearing about grown-up stuff and drinking? I was a high school freshman or sophomore. What's not to like?

The only thing missing amongst all of of it was much in the way of actual parenting. Taking an interest in my homework, asking about my friends, enforcing my being responsible about practicing the piano, or no more lessons for me? Way too mundane for her to bother with.

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how to navigate this blog

Welcome!

First, please read the "first post, August 2006", further down in this column. It sets the context for everything that follows.

Then, please click on the labels section and go chronologically. Sometimes I'll write about a memory about something which happened a long time ago, so going by the dates the posts were written isn't the best way to read the blog. Occasionally, a given post that is relevant over time will have several labels applied to it (1970s, 1980s, 1990s). But overall: stick with the labels and it will be a lot clearer!

Thank you for being here, and for reading.

Note: some names have been changed to preserve privacy.

first post, August 2006

Recently, it's come to my attention that I have a challenge to meet, a life-altering decision to make: can I continue to have contact with my mother and still hold onto my integrity, my sanity, my serenity?

My mother (who at her best was at one time glamorous, brilliant, interesting, eclectic, and self-absorbed) has morphed over the past years and decades into an unrepentant, myopic, full-blown narcissist. She turns all conversations back to the topic of herself, thinks nothing of the true welfare of others (although she sometimes pretends to do so for short periods when it serves her), and can never take even partial responsibility for any of her actions or inactions. "I am sorry" is a phrase which never falls from her lips...never.

Everyone has bad times and bad luck, but in her eyes, her bad times and bad luck are always worse than anyone else's. She's been "going through a hard time" from the years of my earliest memories, at age 3 or 4, more or less non-stop up through today. Her reaction to others putting up healthy boundaries (in my case, very late in life) is to fly into one of her legendary rages. She also cannot take responsibility for the fact that her actions (and inactions) have been prime contributors to the very negative, sad, isolated place her life has now become.

Her friends, subjected increasingly to her incessant self-focus and self-pity, have been abandoning her in droves, finally tiring of the asymmetric nurturing she requires of all those around her. This trend has put even more pressure on me, in recent years, to be there for her, as one of her last remaining contacts. And now even I am throwing in the towel, going against every ounce of socialization I've received (as her only daughter) from her and from society at large.

Because one of the primary methods of a narcissist is be at the center of attention (whether positive or negative, sometimes it doesn't even matter to them) and to have others see life through their distorted point of view, it seems that children of narcissistic parents can really bear the brunt of this disorder.

It seems that it is only now --- after 40 years of life on this earth, a decade or more of escalating attempts to help her with her never-ending, chronic-by-design problems and issues, several recent severe crises due to my overextending my and my partner's energies to try to help even more --- that I am able to even look at the history, the issues, and for a sane path out of this dark thicket of her pathology. I attribute this growth to increasing self-esteem and resiliency, due in no small part to a wonderful partner and friends, as well as some therapy.

Merely telling my friends "she makes all conversations into brochures about herself" or "she can't apologize" doesn't even begin to illustrate the true depth of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If I sit down to chat and tell these ridiculous stories over again with various friends, particularly in enough detail to give even a fraction of the full picture, it will take up too much of our potentially much more pleasant time together.

At the same time, I do want those who are close to me to understand what it is that I've experienced, on whatever level they're interested or have time for --- from skimming a post or two to reading more extensively. Much of it will come as a surprise, precisely because of the fact that the sheer oddness and inappropriateness of her behaviour leads me not to bring it up in polite company. It's all too weird, too complicated, and too unsavory to discuss within the context of an average dinner with friends...

Perhaps most importantly, these memories have been living in my head for years, and I've been holding onto them almost like a set of worry beads, a template to keep in mind in case other narcissistic people try to enter my life, so I can run in the other direction. Since, in her absence, I'm finally beginning to trust my judgment a bit more, I think I can safely begin to let these memories go, to let them fade a bit --- to the best extent possible. Writing them out, I'm hoping, will go a good way toward accomplishing that "letting go".

Whether you're an old friend, a treasured colleague, or someone whom I've met and bonded with through the online ACON community, I welcome your comments and cherish your ongoing support and friendship.

house of bonsai

August 4, 2006

1980

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