One of the primary sources of conversation between my mother and me, from middle school up until very recently, was talking about other people she knew. Going completely against the maxim that "Big minds talk about ideas, medium-sized minds talk about events, and small minds talk about people" (I'd have thought she'd want to be on the "big" end of the scale), there was a lot of complaining about her bosses (who all seemed to be female), a lot of mentioning some of the more unsavory developments in her friends' lives, and of course the perceived faults in my father and even my brothers. (I now know that she talked with my brothers about me quite a bit, triangulation being such an interesting hobby, and that a lot of it wasn't too positive).
However, a bright spot was that if a friend of mine was having trouble, she could generally advise them extremely well. If the problem had nothing to do with her and the person was unrelated to her, she could function excellently as a sounding board and counselor, giving them not only advice, but a slew of resources (books, other folks to talk to, agencies to visit, etc.). Several of my high school pals came to her for advice (because she was so worldly and hip and worked in health education) and really felt better afterward. I know that she was well-regarded at the university where she worked in the early to mid-80s for counselling students effectively, as well.
So as long as the subject was Other People's Problems, she was on top of it. She welcomed it and enjoyed it. As long as the people asking her for advice weren't close to her, her usual one-upsmanship games didn't come into play. She came across as the most giving, generous person on the planet; probably a big part of the reason why it's taken me so long to begin to examine her narcissism is that many of my most respected friends sang her praises: "Your mom's so cool". They couldn't help having that perception: that's the extent of what they saw.
2 comments:
My parents did this, too. Mostly my mom. She'd often triangulate and discuss my siblings with me (judgments about their careers, marriages, how they kept their houses -- everything). I finally put my foot down and refused to listen, so she probably moved on to gossip about me more often.
They'd rather discuss things behind your back than speak to your face. It's entirely inefficient, backhanded, and creates unnecessary drama. If only they could see that. Too late.
"Defocusing" - that is incredibly interesting! I have never heard of this before.
The talking about other people - yes. My mother was almost never happy unless we ended up sitting, like Anna V. calls it, like witches around a cauldron. She would tick off the people I knew - how's this one? That one? If they were all well, and that's all I said, she would say "well, obviously you are in some mood and don't want to talk." On the other hand, if someone was having money problems, had gained weight, was cheating or being cheated on, had job problems, etc. - whoa, she was 100% right there for that.
I was not permitted to mention that I had done anything with my husband's family unless I confirmed to her how bored I had been or how poorly my MIL had cooked the dinner. Heaven forbid I mentioned anything interesting that was going on with my friends. I remember her almost flying into a rage that my husband had come home with tickets to a famous black-tie event in the city, but that I had not felt like going, and we had given the tickets to my MIL and FIL. Despite the fact that my mother was traveling and it had nothing to do with whether or not she wanted the tickets - she just couldn't stand anyone else "getting bigger than their britches" without her approval. ("Those people wouldn't know what to do at an event like that!")
Only in retrospect has it occurred to me that the end of nearly all my historical female friendships had something to do with my mother. In one case she claimed one of my friends had talked to her behind my back being concerned "about how much weight I'd gained" - which hurt my feelings deeply. Only now do I look back and wonder if my mother wasn't the one to start that conversation.
In another case she claimed that a girlfriend of mine was out to steal my boyfriend. In another case, that mysteriously a pair of her earrings had vanished from a bathroom upon my friend's visit. In all these cases, these were doubts planted in my head that led to larger, different arguments with these friends, who drifted by the wayside with time. But I now remember, yes, my mother was there and somehow involved in the "end" with each of them.
"Divide and Conquer" is the way she works. Planting secrets with each person, making you feel as if you break the confidence, you are both hurting her, and hurting the person the secret is about.
My sister's last boyfriend was black. They are still friendly, and he is friendly with my mother, particularly (and probably) because he is no longer dating my sister. To his face, my mother is all sunshine and light. Behind his back, she has told me many times how relieved she is that we are not going to have any "blacks in the family" after all. I finally told my sister about this, and she was so incredibly hurt and angry. I'm not sure if my sister ever confronted my mother with this - haven't spoken to my mother in a while - but yes, I would become the "cruel" one. Never my mom for saying these horrible things in the first place.
No, I totally agree - talking about, pointing out and delighting in other people's misfortunes - schadenfreude - is a varsity sport my mother has lettered in many years over.
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